Saturday, April 24, 2010

What Have I Learned So Far

Pints of Ice Cream dont taste as appetizing as they sound like.

As for the Cube:

My thoughts are currently waning of interest. Maybe if I put it under a different context, I can salvage it.

So what I have to say about it for now:
Definitely I guess its more of a self portraiture. I’m egotistic that way. I end up making things saying everything I want to say and not saying more. And its hard for people to understand that because innately, I am a silent person. (This is true. I just “learned” how to talk to people when I began to live in america.) Talking with Peter (Patchen) was an enlightening experience and I appreciate him giving me incredible amounts of frustration (and I’d appreciate it more if I was given food). And I am one that easily gets discouraged.

Take for example my type class. My teachers questioned why I made such a move, I was eager to corrected it how they suited, and later they tried to defend my initial design.

As Rob said, I want people to tell me its okay.

Which is weird, because even if “its okay” (its not only Rob that says this, interestingly enough) and I can do whatever I really want, my perspective of this freedom is more like: I can do whatever I want and I wont be questioned for it.
and what is being given to me is not really that.

I do understand that discussion and argument over a piece gives it more depth and value, but I am a spoiled brat and I'm not very good at talking. I'm not very good at arguing either. It has something to do with my low self esteem (I cant stand by my opinion and believe what I think is right) and my horrible sense of memory (I dont remember what my opinion was exactly and I forget what I believed it again however, I often feel opposite about certain things.)

I personally dont think I'm fit for the real world. Theres nothing that I *really* want to do. Eating is a hobby I'm hooking myself into so that I can tolerate the rest of life and actually look forward to something (like my next meal). And art is entertaining. (Ooo, this might insult people.)

Though I do often sway between extremely clingy and extremely apathetic, I realized over time and age, to survive live in the world, you have to hold on to something. Whether that is your art, yourself, or your dreams, or some person or thing, you have to hold on to something and cling to it for dear life till the end of your days. Why? because if not, you'll just slip into nothingness. (ahh thesis...)

You will slip into the fact that you will die, you will deteriorate, you will watch and be watched by the world and by everything around you and the days will just continue. There is nothing to ground you. Nothing to make you cling into the moment of the world's sense of time, or overlap itself into venn diagrams of different contexts.

Like how atoms pop in and out of existence, you will pop in and out of existence with not memory or trace of yourself anywhere.

i do believe, though I have argued about this with Peter, that your are your work. You are not exactly our work but it is part of you. Everything you make would be a form of self portraiture. Your actions and your choices define you, whether it is something you intend to do or not intend to do, it adds to your story.

Well. Thats how I feel about that.

Moving on.


For some reason, the word disperse has been my favorite word since elementary. There is a difference with what I want from what is more commonly known of what I want.

I want to disappear. I dont want to die. But I want to be gone from the face of the earth. As if nobody knew me and nobody cared.

Though, it might be “emo” let me explain the reason of why I live: I live to repay my parents the amount of money that they spent on me my entire life so that I can leave without feeling debt. This discussion can go into length but think of it this way, think of a project that you’ve wasted so much time and money on and all the sudden it just crashed on you. Wouldnt you be pissed?

Back to my main point. Disperse. But more importantly, particles. (aha!) The other day, I had an amazing experience which is difficult to describe in words. But to give you a visual, I had a good moment of peace. A moment when all was right in the world and all I wanted to do was disappear in the moment.

My idea was of someone sleeping in the afternoon. and slowly their body disappears, not in a ghostly fashion but piece by piece. In beautiful days, in nice weather, when you just have to experience the air and do nothing, mentally, you just melt away.

And right now I would be talking more about this but I have to do other hw. ciao.

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